Code Black: Reality Squad

"What happens in the ER when there are too many patients and not enough resources? It's called a Code Black!" Tagline for a new CBS show that actually looks good. But, it cracks me up. Too many patients and not enough resources? Honey, that's called healthcare everywhere. Here's what we really have, in a show I'll call:

Code Black: Reality Squad

Multiple groups in healthcare. We'll start in a nursing home:

"Here, take care of this huge group of patients with almost no nurses or techs, a few ancient pieces of equipment and do it for almost no money.... and GO!" Yeah. For sweeps week, they'll show what happens when State comes in and tells you that you should be spending a certain amount of time per patient on patient care or it's neglect. And, then tell you they'll reimburse you less money than it costs to just pay for the salaries of enough people to do that, not to mention the equipment and supplies. This runs with a subplot where a stranger no one has ever seen shows up and starts screaming and making threats. No, silly... it's not a terrorist! It's a patient's family member... that no one has seen or heard from in the 8 years the patient has been there! But, plot twist... she now wants to tell you how terrible you are at your job, because her Mom looks MUCH worse than the last time she saw her! 8 years ago!

Season finale will focus on a group of bedraggled nurses & other patient care staff in a hospital, being told how lucky they are to have a job, and that there's just not enough money to hire additional staff or give raises. In the background, you see the lobby being remodeled with granite flooring and a water feature (later plot development will reveal this is the 6th full remodel of said lobby in 12 years...). At the end, show the hospital CEO driving into the sunset in a Bentley.

Another subplot through all the series will be non-traditional healthcare settings: in a jail medical department, where you get to see zany fun like a 3 time murderer passing out while getting his TB test, or nurses taking care of critically ill patients with the most advanced piece of diagnostic equipment available being a pulse oximeter unit from amazon.com. In an inner city downtown clinic staffed mostly by students and a few senior staff members. It will show them giving samples of a $200 per pill new drug to a patient so the pharmaceutical company can get a kickback, and explaining to the patient that in a month or two, they'll have to change their meds, because the pharma company won't give them samples after their tax break threshold is met, and they'll have to go back to taking generics they can afford. And, lastly a group of home health nurses and providers taking care of 11 patients in 6 hours, and then going home and doing paperwork for another 5, only to get paid for 4 hours, and reimbursed less in mileage than the gas cost to get you to the patient's house. Cue a musical montage of staff going thru patient's cabinets trying to find something to feed the patient, since their family members didn't have time to come by and bring them groceries this week, and in this rural area, nowhere delivers food.

Like I said, the show looks like it will be interesting, but as a nurse with a twisted sense of humor, I'm pretty sure everyone in healthcare lives Code Black every day!

I speak Southern Food

I'm pretty sure that Food is the unofficial language of the South. Anyone born, raised or even transplanted here learns that quickly. There are certain dishes for certain events. And, believe me, nothing is an event without food. Corporations like to think they invented the "lunch meeting." Obviously, they had never been to a Methodist church meeting. Lots of business discussed, and even more food eaten. 

The first example of Southern Food speaking is when you show up at a Southern home. Invited, uninvited, or possibly even just stopping at a wrong address, you will be offered food and drink. God forbid you turn it down. This food says, "My mother would roll over in her grave if I did not offer you something, and besides that, you're a guest, and guests are like family we don't live with.

A typical conversation in my Mother's kitchen. 

"Oh, honey, don't you want something to drink? I have some cheese and crackers, too. Let me get those." 

"Oh, no. I'm fine, Joan. I had lunch before I came."

"Oh, okay. Just let me get you a little bit then."
"No, really, I'm fine."

"All right. Do you want a sandwich then?"

The food will keep getting bigger. If you keep resisting, you'll find yourself eating a whole turkey and have no memory of how it happened. I think my husband just married me to get family status, so he'd just have to get his own stuff out of the fridge when he wanted it, and not have the Southern Inquisition every time he came in the door. Little did he know that as a son-in-law, and the skinniest of us all, he'd become the victim of, "Well, I can't hold another bite. Here, Chad, eat this."

Southern food cannot be mentioned without the word "potluck." These mish-mashed, buffet wonders bring out the major leagues of food. As a child, you're exempt from bringing, so it's a right of passage when you get your first crock pot, your first 9x13 Pyrex casserole dish, and your first church cookbook. After that, you better not show up empty-handed. Even those who cannot cook have assigned duties. "Melba's daughter burns everything, so just tell her to bring drinks. Lord, if we ask Judy to cook something, she'll make that awful chicken stuff with the sauce. Tell her kids love chicken nuggets and to just pick some up from McDonalds. Tell Roy to bring ice."  

That buffet says, "We're a family, of sorts. We may not see eye to eye, not all the time. But, we're here together, we're breaking bread together, and we're sharing of ourselves. Even if I am trying to pass off a bucket of KFC as my own by throwing it in a monogrammed casserole dish. Listen, I forgot about the potluck until an hour ago, okay? Cut me some slack. We're family. And, at least I didn't make that chicken thing Judy makes. So, eat the KFC and pretend you don't know what it is. That's what family does."

But, despite wonderful memories of casseroles, itty-bitty ham biscuits and loads of fluffy, mashed potatoes, there's another side of the Southern Food language. The language of sympathy, of love and of caring. That's when the casseroles come out full tilt: illness and death.

When my Dad went into the hospital that last time, the food came out in droves. "We are so sorry about your Daddy,"the friends and family said. "We love you, our hearts are broken, and this is all we can think to do," the food said. "We're so worried about your Mama," it said. Dear friends delivered a Christmas Eve feast to his hospital room. They told us it was just weird to not have us over that night, as was our usual tradition. But, the food said, "We know this has to be the worst Christmas ever, and we couldn't stand the thought of you eating in a cafeteria. This is how we can show you we love you. We know this is probably the last thing we will get to do for your Daddy, and we know he loves to eat. So, take this, and enjoy your time with him, and know our hearts are tied in knots."

A sandwich that took me 5 hours to eat said, "I know the end is near with him, and you're too scared to leave his side to even get a super fast lunch." 

And, then, my niece's favorite tradition, funeral food. She was amazed (Sydney-born urbanite that she is), that the neighbors and friends showed up in droves, and all brought food. She totally understood the immediate, and beautiful language of Southern Food. "We've never even met you guys, or haven't seen you in 10 years, but we love your family, so we love you. We can't bring your wonderful grandfather back. But, here's something we made, in our homes. It's full of love, calories, cheese and prayers. It's all we can do. Keep the dish."

Our hearts and our fridges overflowed with casseroles and love. We spoke the language as well, as we sent folks home with plates of the food others had made us, if only to make room in the fridge for the next round. We told them, "here, you don't have to even cook tonight, we have plenty." But, the food told them, "You've spent an entire night over here, having your kids entertain my brother's kids. Keeping our mind off the fact that we'll never see him walk in the door again. This is all my scrambled brain can even think to do."  

And, in one case, "You seriously just helped me pour my father's ashes into an urn in the kitchen sink and we managed not to spill any. You are totally taking a cheesecake home."

So, the next time you're in my house, and I offer you a drink, know a few things:

a. You better take it, next comes the food.

b. Seriously, you'll wind up with a whole turkey. And the only one I have isn't even thawed.

c. We lined the sink with towels before the urn thing. Don't worry. I didn't wash your dish in a sink that might have had microscopic ash residue. Besides, we didn't spill any. I promise. 

I wish for you...

A day has come that I (and so many others) have long waited for... my friends Charles and Myron are getting married. Legally! For real!
Now, they're doing a very informal wedding day. Basically signing the papers and boom, you're done! Charles is in school, it's Christmas season and everyone is way too busy to do a huge wedding. So, they'll have celebrations later, probably after Charles gets out of school. But, it's still a wedding. I don't care how elaborate or how small... it's a moment of wonder.
For someone you've known since Kindergarten, saying Best Wishes just doesn't cover it. So, I came up with a list of things I wish for their marriage:
1. that you love and respect one another all your days. Love without respect isn't really love.
2. that you get an equal amount of saucers and teacups for your showers (if you have them). Because what the Hell was I supposed to do with 11 saucers and 9 teacups? Really?
3. that you go to bed mad sometimes. Because, seriously, when you're mad at each other, you don't need to add sleepy-cranky to the fight.
4. that you don't hyphenate your names. I love you both dearly, but I've tried out the combo of your last names. To me, they sound like a rare neurological disorder that people burst into tears as the doctor describes it to them. But, if you do, it will make it easier to fit on your Christmas card envelope, so I won't really complain either way.
5. that you both continue to be the unique people you are. I know you've been together for ages, but sometimes when people get married, they kind of morph into one person. Like Samneric from Lord of the Flies. Only more boring. You two are awesome together, and you're awesome apart, so keep your personalities.
6. that you realize how blessed you are. Neither of you will EVER have a PMS meltdown on the other. Do you even know how much that is worth in a relationship?? Gold, pure gold, that's what it's worth. You will save a fortune in chocolate and Kleenex. Chances are you will also never have to suffer through a Hallmark movie marathon. Pure. Gold.
7. that you never forget to show each other how much you mean to one another. A huge gift on an anniversary will never mean as much as the chicken soup you bring home when they're sick. Or the cute note left on the bathroom mirror. Or, even something as small as a hug on the bad days. Those are the true gifts.
8. And, speaking of gifts... I wish for you to never forget your anniversary, birthday, etc. 'Cause I think even a couple of guys would get miffed over that stuff. So, yeah... I'm wishing you both memory and excellent gift-picking skills.

That's all I can think of for now. Except of course, the wishes I've always had for you both. The wishes that I wished for you when you were "shacking up" extend to your marriage. Joy, understanding, love, hugs, friendships, great travels and wonderful food. So far, you're doing great on those. Keep it up!

Love & Kisses (and visions of me standing with you as your flower girl today, wearing my Wonder Woman Tutu),

Emily

On Prayer (a rambling post that simply won't get out of my mind, so here it is)

A friend posted a mini-rant on Facebook the other day. It was about prayer being a lazy way to deal with things. He was frustrated, ticked-off, pissed-off and otherwise fed up. He didn't mean that everyone who prays does nothing. But, he did mean that a lot of people say, "I'll pray for _____" so that they don't have to do anything, but still get to feel good. And, he's right. It's sad, but he's right. And, in a lot of situations, prayer without action is not what's needed. It needs the hands and hearts to go with it. Working hands and hearts of compassion. Because, most of the time, words without action don't to much.

Now, I'm not saying prayer doesn't work. Quite the opposite. I'm a big ol' believer in prayer. I still really believe in the power of prayer. It helped me get through Dad's death. I truly believe that prayer helped heal my Mom, when the neurosurgeon said she didn't have a single chance to survive her aneurysm (in 1997! And she's still here, kids).

Personally, I'm very bad at praying out loud. My prayers are not eloquent. They're not full of thees, thous and such. They're full of a lot of "um..." and "well, you know what I'm saying." They soothe me, they make me feel closer to God. They make me focus, and often figure out the problem about which I'm praying.

I've seen so many nasty comments on the internet when someone says, "I'll pray for them." They get told that they're talking to an imaginary friend, or worse. But, I'll continue to pray, no matter what others think or say.

The worst kind of prayers that I utter... they're also in my head. They're while my heart is pumping, and my hands are working as hard as they can. They're while I'm being a nurse. They're the worst, because they're being prayed (in my head, as always) in a time when, to put it far less than nicely, the shit has hit the fan.

When someone is dying, or already dead. When I'm silently praying for the patient, their family, and even my coworkers, in between screaming out the chest compression count, yelling for someone to start a line, bring supplies, call someone else in, etc. The family, the patient and my coworkers can only hear the confidence in my voice. The tone that I call my "nurse voice." As I'm telling everyone what to do (loudly, did I mention loudly?), they don't hear the part of me that is terrified.

The part that has already acknowledged the battle is lost, and that my chest compressions have no hope of bringing that patient back. The even worse knowledge that I won, their heart beat has already come back, but I know it won't last, the person is too sick or damaged. They don't hear that inner voice praying so hard that it drowns out my confident voice (in my head at least). That voice is screaming to God that the family have peace. That the patient be out of it enough that they don't feel my huge hands breaking their ribs as I try to bring them back, that they had peace with their family and that they're going on somewhere nice as I feel their skin growing cold.

That voice is begging that my coworkers keep their chins up, no matter how many patients we've lost that week/month/year. That if the family decides to take out their broken hearts on us, accusing us of not caring, or worse of being incompetent or negligent, that my coworkers, and myself, can hold in our hearts the truth that we DID care, and that we DID do our best.

Now that I'm in corrections, I'm praying that the media won't eat us alive for every perceived failing we have. Praying that today won't be the day that the patient we did everything for, and who wound up in a hospital with a terminal diagnosis (that they brought on themselves with terrible life choices), will have a multi-million dollar lawsuit brought against me for not being God. For not being able to heal them from things that I didn't do, and can't fix. I'm praying that all of us will go home safe. That today won't be the day one of us gets attacked. That I won't be working on one of my own at some point that day.

All the while, my hands and heart... they're working. But, so is my soul, so is my mind. And, so is my God. When my prayers don't get answered, and that patient dies. When that article comes out in the paper or a comment pops up on a local website, accusing me and mine of horrible things that are so untrue you can't believe anyone would suggest it of anyone, let alone a nurse who provided great care. When the family lashes out. When you lose patient after patient. When it isn't a patient you lose, but a coworker, a family member. When the fight seems lost, and my prayers seem unanswered, my God is there. Holding my hand, soothing my heart and my mind.

And, I get up. I dust myself off, and I get back to work. I get back to barking orders, being bossy and even laughing too loud in inappropriate circumstances. But, you can bet... sometimes I'm praying, too. And, sometimes... it's for you!

Cabinets can be adorable. Who knew??

So, it's a little later than promised (shocker... me running behind!!), but here's the info on my favorite part of the re-do. My cabinets!!!

The office came with a bank of lower cabinets in a blue/gray color. The countertops match exactly. Utilitarian, for sure. But, they are in remarkably good shape for being used daily for so long when this room was the med room. A good scrubbing to get rid of all the adhesive goo from the ghosts of labels past... and we were rocking!

Anyone who knows me will know I am Queen Chaos. I mean, I have no organizational skills whatsoever. I've found that if I have stuff labeled, I tend to do better. If I don't have a place for Office Supplies, they go in whatever drawer I open at that minute. If I have a drawer set aside for them... they go there. So, with this in mind, I tackled the cabinets.

I pulled every item out, sorted them into piles, figured out what "theme" each pile had, and made it a place to live. Pulled out the handy-dandy Silhouette Cameo (I swear, they do not pay me. They don't even know I exist. I worship their product of my own free will), and made the cutest cabinet labels EVER. Suck it, label makers!!!! I got cooler toys than you!!!!

The Boring Before (I wasn't used to the pic stitch program and totally made some funky errors)

Aren't they awesome? I don't have close ups of every single item, but I have drawers for everything from food to inmate items. And, simply because I believe in honesty and know my organizational skills, I also have drawers labeled "stuff" and "junk". Hey, somethings do not fit into a category and they must have somewhere to live!!!

The only cost on this was the vinyl, but even that was free, as I'd ordered these for another project and done the buy 3 get 3 free deal, so I didn't pay a dime! YAY!

The last little scrap of wall in my office is to the left of the big wall of cabinets. It's just got a few pieces of art and some nursing collectibles. But, it's one of my favorite things to look at. I just love it!

Why, yes, that is an anatomical print of Hello Kitty! I absolutely love it! My friend Charles got me that and I'm in love with it! It's from an amazing artist named Jason Freeney. He does sculptures, prints, even Christmas cards and toys.

The nurse print on the shelf is a print from one of my all time favorite artists, Quyen Dinh. She does these amazing old-style flash art/South Pacific Tattoo art style work, and her prices are unbelievably low. I am embarrassed to admit how many pieces of her art I own, but this one is the one that started it all. To me, it kind of ties together the world I walk in and out of every day.

The bottom piece is very hard to read in the pictures, but it is the coolest rendition of the Hippocratic Oath I have ever seen. Nursing doesn't have one specific oath, but medicine in general has this one. So, I felt it needed a place in my office. It's good to remind yourself of the basic stuff you need day to day. This is from Le Monkey House on Etsy. They have some other prints of equally neat-o status. One of my other favorites being the Wicked Witch of the East Real Estate Company.

There is one wall that is still a work in progress. The main, long wall above the main bank of cabinets. I've got one painting up there, just held in place by an ugly, old command hook. It'll be beeeautiful soon, though. Just waiting on my 2 "side paintings" to finish it up. So, here's a sneak peek.

Yes, I'm already busting out the Halloween Decorations. I had to have this! It has "good" on the other side, so I can change it according to my mood. It clashes, but it was TOO perfect, so I'll just have to clash.

Again, the cords are driving me nuts. I'll figure something out!!  But, I'm open to suggestions, too.

Well, that's the office, or at least it is until I get my other pictures, figure out what to do with the top shelf, etc. So, from me and Monsieur Moose, thanks for looking!

Office Redo: Post 2, Old Stuff is Cool

So, lets go to the next spot on the wall to the left of my desk. It's the inset, strange little nook. The fax machine used to live there, and spit paper all over my floor when it was in a bad mood. But, we got a new phone system and the fax machine went out to live by the people that actually use it WAY more than I do. Now, the nook is beside the plug mold and is over the deepest cabinet I have. So, reaching the back of that is a stretch for someone like me... who happens to have T-Rex Arms.

T-Rex Dreams of Awesome Guns

So, I can't put stuff in the corner that I need to use every single day. But, it's the perfect space for a set of shelves to display cool stuff, cute stuff and some really neat vintage items.

I suckered the Hubby into coming in one day and putting up a bunch of cheap shelves from Lowe's. Just the basic brackets and shelving board. Luckily, standard size fit, so we didn't even have to trim the boards. The worst part was, of course, having to drill thru that concrete. It was exhausting to watch him work so hard! 

This is the day of the install. I was testing out a few items. 

Now, I have to give a shout out to the Husband for not only being a rock star and coming in on his day off to drill holes in killer concrete, but for landing me some of the coolest items in my office: vintage medical items. Old pharmaceutical bottles and such. He found these in a resale shop in California years ago, and they've been hiding out just waiting for the perfect place!

Now, the books you'll see on the 2nd shelft? Linda Russo Milano found these for me, and I lugged them back from California in a suitcase. These were the cutest ones as far as colors, but I have even more at home. They're the Cherry Ames: Nurse books. She was sort of the nurse version of Nancy Drew. She was cool, and was supposed to get younger girls interested in becoming nurses. Copyrights are 1950-1953, on the ones I have. Such a cool find and totally worth the shoulder strain getting them home. The groovy bookends are a gift from my godmother when I was a child. They're little scotty dogs and they have Lexington KY burned into the wood on the front. Mom says they were a touristy item in the 50's, sort of like snowglobes are now. I love being able to display things that are not only cool, but remind me of some truly awesome people. 

What else is on there? 

• My ETSU monkey (shout out to my fellow Bucaneer grads, BSN from there in 1996)
• a steampunk looking light that is also a scent tart warmer thing (BHG at Walmart)
• a giant gold E that has been in every office I've ever had
• a gold piggy bank from Chinatown in NYC that houses our emergency change for when we forget to buy drinks and have to hit the vending machines
• The nurse barbie mug (everyone thinks she's Lucy, but it's Barbie) Mom and Dad got me for graduating nursing school
• a reproduction nurses head vase I found ages ago at a flea market
• a vase of flower pens my friend Bridgette made me (yes, those are pens. So freakin' cool)
• a Gene Simmons Hello Kitty my partner in crime, Amy Stewart, got me
• Various and asundry kitschy bits
• Picture of some of us Medical Peeps at our former Medical Officer's Retirement Party

But, Emily... there's a gap by the steampunk light. And, where's the 3rd shelf? Yeah, that's where the plea comes in. I cannot figure out what else to put up there. I'm going "shopping" in our storage room at the house this weekend. If I can't come out with some groovy stuff, I'm gonna be begging for suggestions. I've just had bad luck finding stuff that fits. Bought an ADORABLE pink LED tree (shut up, I think it's adorable, it's my blog, so it's adorable) to go on the top shelf. Too tall. So, scratch that. It lives under my groovy painting for now. I'm just striking out like crazy. But, before you think I can't get anything right... let me show you what is under the shelves! I made a groovy coffee center (and my stupid printer sits there, it won't fit anywhere. Ignore it. I do). 

Start with a plain, cheap, wooden serving tray. 

Cheap Wooden Tray

Paint it with cheap, acrylic craft paint from Michaels. Notice it's much darker than you originally planned, but decide you like it. Yell "running design change!" and keep working. 

Using your favorite toy in the entire world, your Silhouette Cameo, cut out an insanely intricate Moroccan pattern for the bottom and a different, even more intricate one for the sides. Do it in gold, since it looks great with the pink and is 100 time easier to stretch and tear than regular vinyl. Spend HOURS with a little dental-pick-lookin' tool ripping out the centers of the grate pattern, and all those itty-bitty dots in the other one. It'll be fun. trust me. Then, perfectly center the grate stuff on the bottom and try to get it to stick without a singe bubble. Repeat on sides, but also have to cut the pattern in places to get it to fit juuuuust right. There'll still be a small gap. No one but me will ever notice it. Except you, because I just pointed it out. 

It'll be fun. Promise. 

Then, load it up with coffee junk, put it beside the almighty K-cup maker (all hail the caffeine! All hail!) and enjoy the adorable results. 

The visible cords are driving me insane. I'm probably going to get some chandelier cord covers and cover them up, but for now, I've relocated the flower pens and they're trying admirably to hide the cords. As a side note, you know you're OCD when you had to restock the K-cups so they'd be pretty for the picture. 

Before you wonder why I did not post the cabinets under the coffee area, that's another post. My favorite (and probably cheapest) part of this project is the cabinet doors. I'll share that tomorrow. Because, I am now craving salted caramel hot cocoa. 

Specs:

Cutting machine is a Silhouette Cameo

The pattern on the bottom of the tray is a pattern from Silhouette called Moroccan Background

The pattern on the edge of the tray is called Bohemian Style Border

The vinyl is from an eBay seller I always use: Marilyn 1957. She always has a deal that if you buy more than 3 sheets of craft vinyl, she'll double your order, no limit. This color is Gold in glossy finish. 

Costs for this section of the re-do:

Shelves at Lowe's: $18

Brackets at Lowe's: $18

Tray: $10

Paint $1 for 2 bottles, and I only used 1

I already had everything else, including the vinyl, so this was a cheapie! 

Total: $47

Tomorrow (or Monday, depending on how the weekend goes) I'll show you my AWESOME cabinets. They're my favorite part!!!

Office Redo: My gift to myself

The days of getting a big fuss over your job anniversaries are gone. And, I'm okay with that. Once, at a job, I got a crystal trophy for a job milestone. I don't work there any more, so now what do I do with it? It's in storage. Gimme a card and a cake (especially the cake. Buttercream icing only, please) and I'm thrilled.

So, I got MYSELF the gift I wanted most for my 5 year anniversary. A new office! Well, not new. It's the same 5 walls, but they're a soft gray instead of institutional off-white. Gone is the 6.5 foot desk wedged into my 8 feet of usable floor space. Gone is my ugly bulletin board. Gone are the WWII era paper holders.

What did I replace them with?
Pink. Antique Medical Equipment. Vintage Nursing Books. A custom painted owl lamp. And, a pink moose with glitter antlers. Aw, yeah. I said it. GLITTER. ANTLERS.

So, I'll start with the "naked" befores. I'm so sad I didn't think to get a good picture of what it looked like with all the crap we had wedged in here. It was impressive. My office is, at its widest point, about 7.5 feet, and then there are cabinets. So, if you count them, maybe 10 feet. It was the med room, originally. So, it has no windows. And, it has an odd little nook that was some leftover space from the bathroom. There is a whopping total of ONE outlet in the office, and a strip of plug mold that was cantaloupe orange against the blue/gray cabinets. Yeah, it was stunning. ANYWAY...

Notice the test patch of paint on the wall.

The mural was the ONLY thing I liked in my office, so it stayed. Notice the ring where my chair has been for years, and how horrible the floors were. It was so jam packed in there, you could honestly not even get to the area under the desk to mop it. SO NASTY. 

In the bottom of the wall, see my ONE outlet. Also, notice the steel plate that's not a light switch. My office is pass card set-up. So, when the door closes, it automatically locks. People can never find the button to get out, so it's kind of funny. 'Cause... it's RIGHT THERE!!

So, the first step was paint. I wanted something very neutral, but not white or beige or any combo. So, I went with the softest gray I could find. Woodsmoke by Valspar at Lowes. The walls were wiped down and it actually covered everything in one coat! My office is so tiny that one gallon completely covered the walls, and I had  some left for touch-ups if I need it. TEENY TINY. But, mine all mine and I love it so! 

The inspiration for me to redo the whole darn office, started with a quote. I saw a painting on Etsy that I just loved the quote. But, the colors were all wrong. So, enter my friend Fallon, who can paint like a fiend. I gave her the quote, and free reign. She knocked it out of the park! 

She even added the little nurses hat without any input from me. Can you say PERFECT?! The quote to me is all about my job. I have always loved being a nurse, but never so much as I do where I am now. It's an odd environment, and people ask me all the time, "Aren't you afraid?" Yes, I work with inmates. Yes, I've treated murderers and some other scary folks. But, I'm not afraid. I was born to do this. This is my calling. This is where I belong. So... my sign!

Poor Fallon had no idea what she was getting into. I'm hooked. And, I've asked her to make me 2 more companion pieces for it. So, I'll have more pictures of the office later on when those 2 are done! By the way, she has an Etsy shop that has a handful of her best sellers, but she can do anything!!! Fallon's Etsy Store  (and, no I'm not getting paid to plug her, I'm just in love with her cool stuff).

So, with the color palette in place, I got to go crazy girl shopping! I really tried to do this on the cheap. So, I hit Ikea for my desk. Now, Ikea can, and will, drive you to drink, if you are shopping online and don't have a store near you. They will sell a 700 pound item online, but not a 2 oz cup. They will charge you freight shipping on one desk, but will UPS another. It took me HOURS to figure out what I could get shipped. But, I managed to pick out this little number. 

Micke Desk with Drawer Unit.  Thankfully, I ordered it in solid white. They did have it in pink, but I restrained myself! 

Thank goodness, I work with amazingly sweet people who tolerate me well. Our sweet maintenance guys took one look at the multiple boxes, Picture instructions and my confused face and put the desk together for me. After my 6.5 foot long, 3 foot deep desk... this thing looks so tiny! But, I really need a small desk. I tend to cover up any available space with junk and papers. So, instead of having to wedge the desk in across the room, it fits up against the wall with door, and even has room to spare!

Then, you gotta have CUTE STUFF! I love mid-century modern stuff, and especially the old starburst clocks.

I am too broke for this

But, at $399, I do not see that hitting my budget. So, away we go! Hello, Amazon! 

I love you!

I added a groovy bulletin board that I already had from a long, long ago trip to TJ Maxx that I'd never found a true home for. And, then... my favorite piece.  

Monsieur Moose

Thusly named, because as a moose, he's got to be Canadian. That's where the best moose live. Everyone knows this. But, since Monsieur Moose is not afraid to show his softer side, in shades of pink and chunky silver glitter, he must be French Canadian. No?

I've actually wanted one of the giant, white moose that White Faux Taxidermy sells for years. I want one over a mantel in my home. Our only mantle is in Mom's part of the house and she says no. Mean ol' mama. So, I got the mini version in a color dark enough to show on the pale gray walls and jazzed him up, so as to be Emily Appropriate. 

I added a cute floor protector for my chair, too. $10 at Big Lots! Score! I tried a super-cute pink rug here, but it got so nasty in just a month that I knew I'd never be able to keep it clean. The chair mat works much better, and is easy to just wipe off. 

So, all that fun, and we're just up to the first wall! HOLY COW!!!

We also left the mural up, but didn't even attempt to paint around it. We just left the top half as is, even though it had a few dings and paint drips. I love the mural enough to look over those. 

We just added a cheap chair rail that was pre-painted white, and painted the bottom half the same gray as the rest of the walls. 

Ze finished product (please say that in an outrageously over the top French accent. One worthy of Monisuer Moose). 

Still trying to figure out what to do with the tower. It's ugly, but I don't want it ON my desk, so there it is. Also, I need a cute trash can. Anyone? Volunteers? Something cute? I may just vinyl the heck out of the plain black one I have. 

You can see the chair mat a little better in this one. And, you can see my beloved mural. The quote is from one of my nurses, Stephanie. She said it to me the first time she met me. I had no idea how prophetic that quote was. "They will wear the nice off you like the shine off a penny."

A note about the pictures: My office is so tiny you can't get back far enough to get an entire wall in one picture. So, I had to use a picture stitching panorama app. It does great, but it makes it look like my office has sort of rounded walls. It doesn't. It's all square, just a photo thing. 

OK, that's it for today. I'm sick of typing and I have to put together the new pink chair that I got for the office. I'll take pictures of it later. 

Total so far on my redo: 

Moose $89

Paint: $27

Labor: FREE

Mat: $10

Desk: $54 & $49

Clock: $35

TOTAL: $264

Tomorrow: Shelves in the weird nook, the most difficult vinyl project I've done so far, and a plea for design help! 

About "Natural" Remedies

OK, I've seen about a billion posts about how natural medicine works better than anything manufactured and how the pharmaceutical companies are "hiding" this information. As a nurse, and as a patient with multiple chronic illneses, this is the kind of stuff that sends me off the deep end. Now, before you think I'm saying that big pharma is always right, and that natural stuff can't work, keep reading. I don't think that at all. I do think there's a time and a place for everything, and that there are reasons we have pharmaceutical companies and vitamin companies, and that the 2 should usually not mix.

The two that make me scream the loudest are cinnamon and honey. For the most part, those belong on your toast and in your tea, respectively.

Let's talk about cinnamon first. I'm diabetic, type 2 to be exact. And, I can't tell you how many people tell me I'd be just fine if I would take cinnamon. They read it on a piece of paper in an antique store beside a booth that sold honey extract from Watkins, so it has to be true. While there has been SOME research into cinnamon reducing blood sugars (notice, reducing, not fixing, not stabilizing, not normalizing and certainly not curing anything), the research is spotty and most of the research is one off and can't be duplicated. Add to that... how much should I take? Is a little on toast gonna fix me right up, or do I need to swallow it down in elixirs and drinks? Or, maybe just tough it out and snarf down spoonfuls of it, like they do on Youtube for the cinnamon challenge. Oh, and what about the fact that most cinnamon you can get in the US isn't even cinnamon. Which one works? The real stuff or the fake stuff? Or maybe the oil? And, is there a standardized strength to cinnamon? OH, and that note in the antique booth, nor the bottles they sell mention that people with liver disease or damage (like me) should be very careful with cinnamon as it can further liver damage. So, basically what I'm saying is, until a company can do easily replicatable research that shows it works, come up with standardized strengths and dosages... it's a pipe dream. Here's a great article on cinnamon and its failure to live up to the dream: Cinnamon Info.

It sounds great. To be able to take something that doesn't make me have to stick myself with needles, doesn't make me run to the bathroom every 20 minutes, that doesn't make me nauseated? That sounds wonderful! Sign me up! But, right now, it doesn't exist. It is, at best, a theory. Maybe in a few year, someone will find some reason to do the above testing. But, I'm pretty sure if it could be replicated, big pharma would have found out, added some binder to it, patented it, and be selling it like hot cakes (with cinnamon on top). See, that's how it works. It's not like pharmaceutical companies can't patent natural remedies. They do it all the time. They just add some sort of binder, figure out how to process it down to a single ingredient, synthesize it or put it thru some process that is proprietary, then they can market it. That's how sulfa drugs, aspirin and other drugs are able to be manufactured. They just tweak them a bit.

And, I must add, there's a process that the FDA puts meds through. They have to go through stringent testing. Do they screw up sometimes? yes. Do bad drugs get through? Yes. Do side effects turn up after years of use that couldn't be spotted in the shorter term studies? Yes. But, does it work? Ask the millions of European women who took thalidomide, that passed their much less strict standards. The FDA refused to pass it here, and other than the women who went to other countries and/or bought it black market, the US escaped the millions of births with limb deformities.

But, it's natural, so it can't have any side effects? Natural is always good for you! Right?! May I point out that Arsenic is naturally occurring? And, it'll kill you deader than 4 o'clock. May I point out how many women found themselves pregnant while on birth control pills because they took St. John's Wort for depression? Since it's an herb/supplement, it had no FDA control. So, no one looked for that side effect. If they thought they were depressed before, I'm sure that unwanted pregnancy didn't help.

Now, let's get to honey. The latest is that it can be used on wounds. Granted, honey does have some antibacterial properties. BUT, it also has sugar. Yeast loves sugar. Remember how sugar makes it go crazy in breads, wines, etc? So, if that person has yeast on their skin, or in the wound, you're making it a lovely, sealed environment with lots of food. Also, how clean is that honey? Honey can harbor clostridium, botulism and just plain ol' dirt.

And, the honey used in testing is actually medical grade and/or specific breeds of honey. Meaning, the honey in the little squeezy bear at the grocery store has not been tested AT ALL for these properties. Here's the link to a long paper regarding this, and how honey is being used as a last line treatment for burns and other wounds that aren't responding. The conclusion at the end says that certain types are promising, but that they can't know what the local honey each person can access will do. Boring honey article here.

Oh, and as a side note: NEVER EVER EVER give a child under a year of age honey. They do not have the immunity to deal with the botulism that can be found in honey and it can sicken and/or kill them. I have been blessed to never have to see anyone die of botulism, but it is said to be a terrible way to die. So, let's not risk that, okay? Don't take my word for it, listen to the National Institutes of Health

I'm not saying that all natural medicine, herbs and vitamins are useless. I'm a believer in probiotics, Vitamin D for depression and diabetes, Vitamin C so we don't wind up with scurvy. But, these are usually used in addition to other treatments (as in Vitamin D will not cure a diabetic, but it may help them process their meds better). I also believe in them because actual, documented studies, by someone with REAL training, have shown them to be effective.

Remember, one faulty report on vaccines and autism has led to huge outbreaks of totally preventable diseases. Simply because people WANT to believe the conspiracy theory. They want to think that natural is better, and that taking anything manufactured has to be bad for you. But, it's not, folks. Not always. It's how some of us stay alive. It's how I'm not dead from a diabetic coma. It's how I didn't die from an infected gallbladder. It's how my Dad lived for years with high blood pressure. It's how my Mom can still see even with macular degeneration. It's how HIV patients live for years now instead of dying a slow, cruel death. Big pharma may make a fortune off of us. They may have been busted for some unscrupulous stuff. But, in the long run, our life spans are vastly improved in the last 40-60 years because of medication. Real medication.

So, before you click "share" on Facebook, or before you "pin" something about how all I need to do is take some cinnamon and my pancreas will come back to life... READ the article. Look at who wrote it. Is it a legitimate website, or a conspiracy site? Are they selling the miracle cure no one wants you to know about? Are they a housewife in Dallas whose uncle saw a guy in Boston who said his wound totally healed itself in a day after he used honey on it? If so... don't share it. You're leading people down a dangerous path. Your friends trust you to give them good advice. Don't let them down. Okay?

Flu shots... good or bad or somewhere between?

I've seen a post lately on many Facebook walls about the Flu shot being "useless" and quoting  Dr. Doshi. The article that is posted is found here: http://www.newsmaxhealth.com/Headline/influenza-virus-flu-vaccine-Peter-Doshi-Ph-D-/2013/05/16/id/504942

On the surface, it seems like a good, sound article. But, about midways thru, it throws up a HUGE red flag. They switch from Dr. Doshi's (he, by the way, is a researcher who has forced many pharmaceutical companies into releasing their clinical data, and particulary attacked the makers of Tamiflu. He's a trusted source, and they quote him in this article, but he does NOT advocate against the vaccine, merely against marketing it as it is) information to a "Dr. Russell Blaylock", who uses the phrase ""The vaccine is completely worthless, and the government knows it."

This, and his parroting of the mercury in the vaccines will kill you theory, led me to research him a little bit. Now, bear in mind, I am NOT a neurologist, I am not a member of the CDC. I'm just a nurse, with a good BS Barometer. But, what I turned up was that the man who makes a vastly over-reaching statement of "Mercury overstimulates the brain for several years, says Dr. Blaylock, and that activation is the cause of Alzheimer's and other degenerative diseases." has his own product... wait for it...

A BRAIN PROTECTION KIT!!! Yes, for $54, he'll keep you from getting Alzheimers, Parkinsons and all sorts of stuff. The best part?? It's for sale on the "news" website that the article is from! He'll actually "give" you the kit for free, if you just subscribe to his newsletter, a collection of non-peer-reviewed information from him. The $54 is for your subscription. 

Now, considering that there has been multinational research into Alzheimers, and no clear cause has been found, but this guy states definitively that HE knows what causes it, he sounds like a quack to me. The fact that he is lashing out at vaccines, which have been proven to NOT cause Autism, no matter what Jenny McCarthy from former MTV "fame" tells you, makes the quacking noise come so loudly at me it's like a flock of ducks. Do ducks come in flocks? I have no idea.

So, should you or shouldn't you get a vaccine? I'm surrounded by unhealthy people with poor health habits all day at work. It's a no-brainer for me, I always get one. I've also never had the flu. Coincidence? I doubt it. 

But, it's up to YOU. Decide for yourself. But, do it wisely. Don't let some quack trying to sell his newsletter fear-monger you into not getting it. Don't let some pharmaceutical company wanting to make money off you fear-monger you into getting it. Do sound research and decide for yourself. Look at non-biased groups, who aren't making money or receiving pharmaceutical company money. I always look to the CDC, because they are charged with the large-scale version of our health. What is best for the majority of us? That's what they see. But, again, arm yourself with knowledge and make your own call. 

I will state one more time, for the record, I am NOT an authority on quacks, flu, vaccines, ducks, neurology, mercury, spandex, super-glue or many other things. Don't take my advice, because I'm "just a nurse." Make your own advice, folks. It works better that way.

An Open Note to the "Christian" carrying the doom 'n' gloom sign at the car show

Dear Doomsayer,

I'll give you a description to make sure you know that it's you I'm talking to. You had a sign about judgement that you lugged over your shoulder. You had on a t-shirt that had some more judgmental slogans on it. You had a bible in your left hand. You didn't speak to a single person. You wouldn't even make eye contact with anyone. You just stood there in the heat of the day, ignoring everyone.

Now, before I get down to brass tacks here, let me introduce myself. My name is Emily. I'm 40. I'm a Christian. I have a bad temper. I have to ask for forgiveness a LOT. I'm so far from perfect, I can't even see if with a set of binoculars. So, this is a little out of character for me. I can call people out with the best of them. I'm smart, you see. I have a really high IQ and a command of the English language that can flay you to the bone. But, I hold back. Because I like to be nice to people. But, you are screwing up my groove, Doomsayer. So, here we go.

In the title, I called you a "Christian."  Please, notice the quotation marks. Those are to let you know that I don't mean it. Sure, you go to church. One that has a cross on the top. And, you sing the songs, and you listen to the message, and most likely, you get told that if you don't bring people over to Christianity, you're gonna have to answer for it. But, you don't want to actually work at it. As I think of it, you don't want to get DIRTY. 

You don't want to deal with people who aren't exactly like you. You don't want to be uncomfortable. You don't want to deal with "those people." You know, the ones like Jesus helped. The ones with diseases (lepers then), the ones who sin openly (hello, prostitutes), the ones who commit crimes (thieves). You know, the ones that actually NEED help. You can't stand that thought. So, instead, you put on a sign, you carry a very new-looking bible and you just hang out and judge people from a distance, and think that will work. You really think you are racking up points. 

But, I can say, with a decent amount of certainty, that if it comes down to you... refusing to even make eye contact, and obviously having never read half of that book you're toting around... and the elderly man who was walking around handing out bottles of water because it was so hot, and giving them to you with a pat on the shoulder and a "God Bless You," I think I can guess who's getting in first. I can guess who people saw reflecting the compassion of a loving Christ, of a caring Savior, and of a Savior who asked us to "love one another." It wasn't the guy judging. It was the guy sharing love. No one saw Christ in you. They just saw someone else telling them how awful they were. They saw someone spouting hatred. And, I know what I saw. I saw the Devil himself, using someone like you to drive people further and further away from Christianity, because when people think of Christianity, they think of people like you. Full of hate and judgment, but saying you serve a God of love. 

Since you haven't read much of that book, I'll leave you with some of it: 

Matthew 7:1 Judge not lest ye be judged. 

Matthew 8:3 Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy. (please note: he held TOUCHED THE MAN. He didn't stand 50 feet away, with a sign, listening to his iPod and ignoring the man)

Luke 7:36-50 where a woman of sin comes and washes Jesus feet with her tears and he forgives her, with a rebuke for the man who thought he was better than her. 

I know you will never read this, but I feel better getting it off my chest. I'll ask God to forgive me of the sin of pride in writing about how smart I am, and for the sin of judgment for judging you for judging others. But, mostly, I'll ask what I always ask. I'll ask him to do his will with me, and to help me be a better Child of God. I'll ask him to help me with my anger, and to help me see those who need me, and thru me Him. I'll also pray for you, Doomsayer. Because that's what my Lord charges me to do. Good Luck.

Awesome Businesses (during some crazy times)

In the past few months, I've dealt with more companies than I probably have in my entire life. With Dad passing, us moving, having house repairs done, buying cars, etc., we've seen a ton of businesses, and deal with a lot of folks. The amazing thing is, the experiences have been overwhelmingly positive.

I, like most people, tend to tell people about the lousy things happening. I forget to pass on that somewhere did a GREAT job. So, let me take this opportunity to tell you about some GREAT local businesses, owned and/or staffed by some GREAT people. And, one national corporation that sucks.

Let's start the accolades with an odd thing to deal with following a death... trading a car. Shortly before Dad passed away, he traded for a HUGE new Suburban. This thing had every bell and whistle you could get. And, um... it was the size of a small country. Seriously, I got stuck in a parking space, because I didn't have room to back it out without taking out the cars on either side of me. When he passed, I knew Mom could NEVER drive this thing. It terrified her. So, my dear hubby took it back to Champion Chevrolet in Johnson City. Our wonderful salesperson remembered Dad trading for the truck and when Chad explained the situation, he went so far above and beyond what he could have. He helped Chad find a car mom could drive. Mom also snuck and had Chad get ME a car as well (mine had over 100,000 miles on it). Even with the Suburban having only 1500 miles on it, it had been titled, and they could have hosed us for that. But, they didn't. They did a great deal for us. They got us 2 cars and money back. Everyone likes to bash car sales as such an unethical business. But, these folks were absolutely wonderful. They have called to check on us, and even sent a sympathy card. http://www.championjc.com/

In the midst of Dad's hospitalization, Mom and Dad's house sold. Our realtor was ah-mazing. She took us house hunting on a holiday weekend, ferried papers back and forth into the hospital (even having to wear an isolation gown into the room to get papers signed, for Pete's sake!), bringing us breakfast (and refusing to take $ for it), and just being the most amazing realtor EVER!! Her name is Donna Sartin, and she works for Coldwell Bankers.  http://www.coldwellbanker.com/agent?action=detail&agentId=15619&mode=detail  She helped us pack, she helped us move. You cannot ask for a more wonderful person to know, let alone to sell your house. LOVE this woman!!

At the hospital, we had no idea what funeral home to use. A hospice nurse recommended Tetrick Funeral Home in Johnson City. Oh, what a wonderful group of people. They never pushed us to spend more than we wanted. They were so kind. They helped us navigate the crazy world of death. They helped us with social security, death certificates, etc. They actually issued us a REFUND for overbilling. We would never have known. They have remained in touch, and invite us to a survivor's group every month. We haven't gone, but it is so nice that they do something like that for the people who have used their services. We spent very little, because Dad's wishes were so specific and so bare-bones. But, they treated us like we were spending millions. http://www.tetrickfuneralhome.com/

53 years my parents were married. They had 53 years worth of stuff to deal with. And pack. Did I mention it included everything from 16 boxes of (heavy) books and 4 sets of china? East Tennessee Movers (and the wonderful Rita Eggers) packed up every single thing in that house, down to Mom's undies (well, they were in the dresser drawers and they packed those, so it counts). Not one single item was damaged. Nothing broken, nothing misplaced. And you could not find a sweeter bunch of guys. Mom was ready to adopt them all, and I think the feeling was mutual. These guys lugged and loaded in the snow without a word of complaint. They were amazing!!  http://www.easttnmovers.com/

We had the um.... interesting problem of our home inspector missing a very strange thing... he didn't notice that none of the exterior doors locked. Ooooops. We really needed that fixed. So, we called Donna (did I mention she's the best realtor ever??) and she got a locksmith there that same day!!! David Irick of Johnson City Locksmith was amazing. He rekeyed all the locks, worked to get them actually working and told us to just tell Donna thank you. We thought she'd paid for it. He was gone before we found out he just did it for free to be sweet. I guess he knew we'd been thru a lot and could use some sweetness. I am not the least bit ashamed to admit it made me cry. So, so nice. http://johnsoncitytnlocksmith.com/

With any new house, you find a few kinks to work out. We didn't like the wall colors, so enter another one of Donna's referrals... Robert Santucci. He and his Dad painted several huge rooms for us. Our part took 4 coats of yellow to cover. Not a single drip out of place, the walls look beautiful. SUPER nice guys. Totally professional and worth every single dime!!! http://paintersource.com/Painters/1250-Robert-Santucci/View-details.html  (don't think he has his own website, he pretty much stays booked up from referrals, but this site has his number. You WILL have to wait, because he is the BEST. He is totally worth the wait!!!!).

I didn't have a kitchen. At all. So, we needed a plumber. Because kitchens need sinks. Have I mentioned Donna knows EVERYONE?? Yup, enter Robbie the plumber! I don't even know his business name. I just call him up and say, "Robbie! HELP!" and he's there! He worked his butt off and charged me so little that I added extra to the check. Seriously. He also caught 3 mistakes that had never been caught on the original plumbing, including a sewer pipe not being glued, just hand-tightened. They also cleaned up every single drop of mess they made. They vacuumed!! Robbie's number is 423 773 0746

Our thermostat could be programmed to launch the space shuttle, and I was entirely too darn tired and confused to use it. We also needed to split our main electric panel into a sub panel to handle the new lines we'd run for the kitchen. Now, my Dad was an electrician and so was Chad. So, I expect the best, and I will know if your lines look like crap. Enter Lonnie the electrician. Another Donna find! Such a sweet guy. And, let me tell you... OCD!!! That box was wired perfectly, every line labeled clearly and tacked up and lined up like little little soldiers. My Dad would have been proud, and Chad actually said, "This guy needs meds worse than me." That's a compliment. I promise. So, again, I don't know his company name. He's in my iPhone as "Lonnie Electrician." Mention Donna Sartin sent you ('cause she did, via me) and he's your new best friend! 423 360 1284

Lastly, we had to recharge the HVAC unit. One of my work friends gave me Lamb's Heating and Cooling's number and saved the day. He had it done in such a short amount of time, and was super nice. He's gonna be coming back soon to cut me in some ducts for our part of the house, 'cause it's gonna get hot soon, and I do NOT do hot! http://www.lambsheatandair.com/air-conditioner-furnace-hvac-contractor/Johnson-City-TN-37601-37604-37615.php

Now, what on earth could these small businesses do that a giant couldn't? Fix something. Let me tell you about Verizon. Dad had a wireless account with them. I just needed it to shut it off. I called them, and was told I had to go to the store with a death certificate to get it cut off. I did that. When I got there, they said that has never been a requirement, and they can't even turn off service from there. They gave me the phone there to call and cancel it. I did. A month later, still got a bill. Called again. Cancelled it. Again. Got another bill. Called and was not nearly as nice. "Oh. We only cancelled one line. Not both." Cancelled it. Again. Snet Verizon a letter, including Dad's full name and explaining how un-fun it had been to make multiple calls and discuss my Dad's death over and over again. Got a letter telling me how sorry they were, and that they couldn't find his account, but they were sure it'd be fixed. Got another bill. Still not fixed. Talked to someone AGAIN. Told it was fixed and that they'd call me to make sure it went thru. Haven't heard anything. Not holding my breath. Way to go, Verizon. Way to go. My contract was up on two of our lines this month. I was really considering Verizon. NO. WAY. IN. HELL. So, congrats on losing a customer and having the dubious distinction of screwing up an account for over 4 months. Impressive.

Random Emilyisms

I'm sure this will come as a surprise to no one, but there is a LOT of noise in my head. As in, things running thru my brain. Random, odd thoughts that I think of as Emilyisms. They aren't worth a whole blog, but are often too long for a FB update. So, they kick around in my head for a while, unable to find a home, and finally they demand to be freed! So, here they are today:

In the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter novels by Laurell K Hamilton, the phrase "white goat" is used to indicate a human who is to be used as a sacrifice for some kind of supernatural ritual. In the game I used to play on Facebook, Cityville, you have a small farm and you one of the things you earn for taking care of your farm is a white goat. I had a ton of them, and it just amused me to no end every time I got another one. I just have this image of a tiny little woman in black stomping out into my farm and raising the dead with the white goat. Yeah, I know... only me.

Not-a-mom: I don't have children by choice. Chad never wanted any and neither did I. Kind of makes us the perfect couple. But, what does make me sad is how many people accost us for our choice or who just have no sensitivity. Not everyone knows that we are childless by choice. And, often, people will ask us, "So when are you gonna have a kid?" or some variation of that. My standard reply is, "About the time you get manners, I guess."  I mean, what if I was unable to have a child and wanted one desperately??? How cruel a question would that be to ask someone who cannot have a child? Rub some salt in their wound, why don't you?! Geez.

Recent signs I'm getting old: I hate top 40 music. I don't know anyone on the cover of People Magazine. Way too many people who are driving look too young to have a license. Your music is too darn loud. I can't hear anything any more. Certain technology escapes me. I really do not care what comes after Blu Ray. I'm done buying machines for movies I watch once. I hate skinny jeans and think people wearing them look like dorky fashion victims. I avoid the mall simply to not have to deal with teenagers. I haven't had a hairstyle change in YEARS. I hate waiting in line at restaurants, so I go early.

The Jonesborough Farmers Market offers a 50% discount to anyone paying with EBT (aka food stamps) for online orders. I am a little torn on this. It's nice they are helping people with financial difficulties get high quality food. But, considering the fact that I am paying full price, working full time and taking care of a LOTTA inmates who get food stamps... I am little peeved. Talk amongst ya'selves. What do you think?

What thoughts ramble in your head? What drives you crazy? What makes you think? Share!

Let's try this again

When I was a kid, I must have bought 1000 blank books. All that promise! Glorious, empty pages for me to fill with all my ideas, my thoughts, my feelings. But, within a few weeks (or days, even) of writing stuff, I'd just sort of forget about it. It was too much bother, and seriously... Barbie was NOT going to dress herself. I had things to do! So, I'd forget for a while, then find a new, pretty blank book and start over.
It turns out, I do that with blogs. Seriously, I think I've started 3 and lost steam. Now, Clyde is still going strong, just not getting posts much because... SNOW + CAMPER RENOVATION= NO GO! But, it's the only one I've ever stuck with.
So, I thought today, as many thoughts as Iv'e had racing through my little head, I need to start blogging again. But, instead of starting a new one, let's just go back to the old one. Let's not buy a new pretty book, but finish the one we have!
So, here's to new beginnings, or do-overs.
As it is Easter Day, the time of resurrection, it seems appropriate! Rise again and try to keep focused this time.
Wish me luck!

The joys of being CRAZY

Ah, spring time. April showers bring May flowers. Oh, and panic attacks. Yeah, they don't bloom, they just show up, unannounced and uninvited. They just sneak up on you in the middle of the night, or while you're sitting at your desk and make you feel as if, for no reason, you need to get up and RUN.
Your heart pounds, your pupils dilate, you break out in a sweat. You feel like there is an elephant on your chest. Impending doom? Check! Pure terror? Check! Mortal embarrassment if you are doing all of this in public? Check!
For whatever reason, my panic attacks are always worse when it rains, and especially when it storms. I've tracked it and it seems to be whenever there are large changes in barometric pressure. Why this would impact a chemical imbalance, I have no idea. But, it gives me a little head's up, but not always. 90% of the time, the rain doesn't mean a panic attack, so I'm braced to fight... and nothing happens. But, that 10% is so fun. That's sarcasm, if you don't know that.
And, currently this is much worse. Because my stupid insurance decided that paying for Lexapro, the antidepressant I've had EXCELLENT results with for over 3 years, is too expensive. So, they made me change to either Zoloft or Celexa. I've already tried Celexa and it made me so lethargic. I didn't want to do anything. So, that wasn't an option. So, what choice do I have? Zoloft.
It seemed to work for a while, but about the time it should have been getting therapeutic, I noticed an odd little side effect...
I'm chewing the inside of my mouth. I don't mean a little, I mean a lot. Right now, my lips are actually swollen because of it. What the heck?? Being crazy wasn't quite enough? I have to do this, too? Really? And, tonight, I can feel a panic attack coming. I'll take something to ward it off, which will result in me being in a rotten mood tomorrow (consider yourself warned, coworkers) and not sleeping well.
So, to sum up, tomorrow I will be cranky, sleepy, swollen-mouthed and crazy. Wow, isn't this fun?!
Ugh.
Anyway, I'll call my doctor tomorrow and tell him despite the best efforts I could possibly make, I can't do the Zoloft. Then, we will go into a period of intense fighting with my insurance company. I can scarcely wait! Eventually, I will get permission from the insurance to go back on Lexapro. Again. Which I shouldn't have quit taking, because it worked. But, since it cost them extra money, hey... what's my discomfort? Nothing, to them!
I promise, when I am not all in pain, cranky and crazy, I will do a fun and/or funny blog. Soon, if I get my CRAZY pills back. LOL!!
Until then, just enjoy the mental image of me all poof-mouthed and pacing. I'm a Poofy-pacer! *snort*

Interviewing: the scary part, with Auntie Em

Well, your concisely written resume (which, along with your cover letter was customized for each place you sent it, right??) and your accurately completed application have landed you the interview. This is the part that makes the vast majority of people want to throw up. There will be weird questions that throw you off. There will be someone you have never met, with whom you have to carry on a conversation and convince you are exactly what they want (and seem friendly, but not too friendly. Professional but not aloof. Perfect, but not better than the interviewer). Honestly, just typing this makes me queasy, and I am really good at being interviewed. I have never interviewed for a job and not gotten it (well, with the exception of the one interview I walked out on. And, yes, I told you not to do that, but hey... do as I say, okay?). I'm going to give you information I've gleaned from both sides of the desk, both as interviewer of hundreds and she who has had over 13 jobs (and interviewed for many more than that).

Go in dressed well. I don't care if you are applying for a job that never wears dress clothes. Wear them. You don't have to have a 3 piece suit or a dress (unless you are interviewing for a job that has those as their normal dress code). But, dress nicely. Nurses wear scrubs in the vast majority of their jobs. But, you should still come dressed in dress pants and a nice shirt, at the very least. If you come in your scrubs, it better be because you just got off work. You are showing me that you respect the job and the place of employment enough to put forth some efforts. If you come in jeans, you are not making a good impression on me. If they are torn jeans, your interview is over before it started. Your hair and makeup need to be neat and understated. No peacock-like hair or night club eyeshadow.

Along with the no jeans rule, do not wear anything revealing, low-cut shirts or barely-there skirts. Nothing sheer, nothing tight. Make sure your clothes match (I do NOT have good luck with that, myself. I have worn scrubs for so long I can't even dress myself any more. That's why I wear dresses to interview. It's one piece. Add hose and the only thing I have to match are my shoes.

Oh, and let's talk about shoes. No spike heels, no hooker boots. No flip-flops. If you are wearing sandals, make sure your toenails are neat and that you do not have terrifying callouses on your feet. I worked with a woman once who had the SCARIEST feet in the world. Seriously, she practically had hooves. If I would have been interviewing her, she'd have never gotten past me with those things. Fair? No. But, seriously... feet freak me out!!!

Now, you look like a million bucks. As you are heading out the door, make sure you have your resume, any paperwork they asked you to bring or that you would like to share with the interviewer. Make sure you have a pen or twelve (what if one dries out? Be prepared!). If you use reading glasses, bring them.

Get there no more than 5 minutes early. If I tell you to be there at 10, and you are there at 9:30am, I'm going to try to not keep you waiting, so I'm going to be rushing. If I'm in a rush, I will not be as relaxed and receptive. Early is good in a lot of ways, but really early is not. If you show up late, it is the death knell for your interview, unless there has been a massive explosion and/or zombie invasion that blocked traffic. Tardiness always gets worse the longer someone works somewhere. If you cannot be there in time for the interview, I can only imagine the time your coworkers are going to be wasting waiting on you to show up. And, when your coworkers get mad, I have to listen to them complain.

When you walk in the door, greet whomever is there, nicely and professionally. With a smile. Be polite, and if they initiate small talk, work it. If you are abrupt with them, they're going to tell me after you leave. If you are rude to my happy little peeps, I will get you and your little dog, too. :-)

When you meet me, shake my hand. Now this is where it gets tricky. I've had countless talks with people who hire others, and we all agree on something. If you have a lousy handshake, you are going to have to work really hard to get past it. By a good handshake, I mean firm, but not bone-crushing. None of that limp dead-fish stuff. And, don't do that thing where you hold your hand out to me palm down. You know, as if you are offering it to me to kiss. You're not the queen or the pope. You need to extend your hand to me sideways, palm in. Hold the handshake until I start to pull away. Do NOT do that spooky thing where you hold my hand like we are prom dates. Seriously, it makes me think you are a serial killer. Likewise, do not do the double clasp. Unless you are planning to wrestle me for the job, one hand is plenty.

Wait to sit until I motion for you to, or until I sit down myself. It wouldn't bother me, but I've heard several hiring managers complain that the person came in and flopped down in a chair like they owned the place. So, go in slow! Also, don't slouch or sit like you are planning to pop out of the seat and run. Comfortable and relaxed is key.

Let me guide the conversation. Do not EVER interrupt me, or finish my sentences. Again, this isn't my pet peeve, but it is for most managers. Pause before you answer a question. Think it through.

Let the personality of the interviewer set the tone of your interview. If they are all business, do not cut up. They may have no sense of humor and are not going to appreciate yours. If they do cut up, laugh at their jokes. Not that scary, hyena laugh, just a good laugh. No matter how casual your interviewer is, do not curse or bad mouth your former employer. Don't mention drinking habits or any partying ways.

If you hated your job, and your boss was an evil zombie troll, you dont' have to pretend to love them. But, don't call them a bitch and say you hated it. Just say that you loved the type of job you did, but it wasn't challenging enough or the company seemed to have a dynamic you just didn't fit into. Or, even that you are looking to do something completely different, if you are applying for a job different than your last one.

There are a lot of standard questions you will be asked. I am so sick of them, and know that most people know they are coming, so I refuse to use them in an interview. But, most people will. So, here's the most common one:

Why are you interested in this job? This is where you indicate that you have a good understanding of both the job and the company. Tell them what you like about their company, what sounds good about the job. Tell them what you have done in the past that will help you meet that company's goals.

Why are you leaving your current job? Be honest, but nice. See above.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I'd rather eat vegetables than answer this question. I see myself as a lottery winner in Maui. But, I don't think that is what they want to hear. Seriously, why does anyone ask this? But, they do. Here is what they want to hear. They want you to tell them that you see yourself still there, but advancing yourself. Not into management or into their job (unless those are the jobs you are already applying for), but advancing in knowledge, maybe taking some classes.

What are your strengths? Hit on the key points they mentioned in the ad. If it says someone with great IV skills, point out yours. If it says you need to be proficient with MS Office, point out how much you have done with it. If the ad was vague, point out how you are always punctual, you always complete work timely, you have always had good reviews, you have good leadership skills, etc.

What are your weaknesses? This is the only question I hate more than the 5 year question. Seriously, it sucks. What kind of idiot tells you that they're weak, but that's what they are asking. Use this question to again play up your strengths. "Oh, I hate paperwork, I think most nurses do, but I am good at it!"  or "I am nowhere near as comfortable with Excel as I am PowerPoint, but I actually took a class in Excel recently and am doing so much better." Even if your weakness is that you hate people and really don't ever want to work again, it's best not to mention that. Gloss over it. :-)

What kind of salary do you need (or similar)? Be honest with them, but try to hedge a little. You do not want to low-ball it. I always offer what is there, no matter if the person tells me they will take less. But, there are a lot of people who may be able to offer you $27 an hour, but will gladly give you the $16 you just told them you'd take. When they ask, you can smile and ask, "You know, I've been out of the market for a while, I'm not even sure what the going rate is for my position. What do you usually start people out at for this job?" But, if they push you, tell them what you really have to have. You cannot take the job for less than you need, so don't offer to do so.

Do you have any questions? You think this should be easy. It isn't. You should have questions. There is no way that I took 30 or 45 minutes and told you everything you should know about the job. Ask me how long orientation is. Ask me how many offices we have. Ask me something that makes you sound intelligent. Do not ask me about how long you have to be there before you can take vacation or how liberal our casual Friday policy is. Don't ask me what our policy is on workplace romance. It's a business, not e-Harmony. Don't ask questions that make you sound like an idiot or a lazy bum.

Other questions will be thrown at you. I tend to just get the person very relaxed and cut up with them, while describing the job. I watch for their facial expressions as I explain the job. If they look nervous, that means they are cautious. If they look terrified, they will never make it. If they are going to let something slip that I need to know, they'll do it while they are relaxed. My technique is unusual, but for me it works. Most people think I am the easiest person in the world to interview with. But, I learn a lot.

Okay, you survived the interview. Hopefully, you didn't curse, burp, scratch yourself, tell me your ex-boss was Satan or tell me you were going to work here just long enough to get benefits and then claim work comp or get pregnant. When I stand to walk you out, stand, shake my hand again and thank me for my time. I should tell you when you will hear from me, but if I don't feel free to ask ("When will you make a decision?" is simple and easy and doesn't sound snotty. If you ask, "When will you let me know if I get the position?" might set some folks off. Not me, but some. "When will I get the job?" would even weird me out).

If you brought anything you thought was relevant to the job, ASK if they would like to see it. I had a person recently accost me with a huge binder of everything they'd ever done in their lives. Every notice of praise, every class they'd taken. I hadn't asked for it, and didn't need it. She'd never done correctional nursing, so most of her basic nursing skills were all I needed to know. Everything else is unique to corrections. It was a little uncomfortable. I had to thumb through the thing to save her feelings. It didn't make me not hire her, but it did waste my time. If she'd have asked, I'd have told her I didn't really need to see it.

After you leave, follow up in a day or two, if you haven't heard from me. By phone is best. But, if the person you interviewed with has sent you multiple emails prior to your interview, you can do email.

A lot of people recommend sending a Thank You note, but I have never sent one myself, nor received one. It's a little antiquated. But, again, it's up to you. It won't make you look bad if you do, but probably no one would notice if you didn't.

I wish I could be more helpful with this part, since it is the part that scares the bejeebers out of everyone. But, everyone interviews differently, and asks different questions.

The best advice I can give you is to be relaxed but professional. Answer questions, carry on a conversation if they seem to want you to. Don't babble. Don't bad mouth. Talk yourself up, but don't overinflate what you do or what skills you have.

If you receive notice that you did not get the job, and you wonder WHY, call up the hiring manager. Don't sound angry, and for Lord's sake, do not CRY. Just approach them in a straightforward manner. "Hi, this is Jane Doe, and I interviewed with you on April 12th. I understand you've picked another candidate. I'm still looking for a job, and I'd appreciate it if you could give me any tips that might help me down the road. Anything on my resume or during my interview that might have made me a less than ideal candidate? I really appreciate it."  If someone would call me and ask that, I would be honest with them.

If you receive notice you got the job... Way To Go!!! Now, send me half your first check as a thank you.
:-)

Oh, and show up on time your first day (and pack a lunch, just in case you don't get to leave the building for lunch. I once got a job and worked 12 hours without food because I didn't know I couldn't leave and didn't want to look like a jerk asking. I was really hungry when I got out that night!!!).