Ah, spring time. April showers bring May flowers. Oh, and panic attacks. Yeah, they don't bloom, they just show up, unannounced and uninvited. They just sneak up on you in the middle of the night, or while you're sitting at your desk and make you feel as if, for no reason, you need to get up and RUN.
Your heart pounds, your pupils dilate, you break out in a sweat. You feel like there is an elephant on your chest. Impending doom? Check! Pure terror? Check! Mortal embarrassment if you are doing all of this in public? Check!
For whatever reason, my panic attacks are always worse when it rains, and especially when it storms. I've tracked it and it seems to be whenever there are large changes in barometric pressure. Why this would impact a chemical imbalance, I have no idea. But, it gives me a little head's up, but not always. 90% of the time, the rain doesn't mean a panic attack, so I'm braced to fight... and nothing happens. But, that 10% is so fun. That's sarcasm, if you don't know that.
And, currently this is much worse. Because my stupid insurance decided that paying for Lexapro, the antidepressant I've had EXCELLENT results with for over 3 years, is too expensive. So, they made me change to either Zoloft or Celexa. I've already tried Celexa and it made me so lethargic. I didn't want to do anything. So, that wasn't an option. So, what choice do I have? Zoloft.
It seemed to work for a while, but about the time it should have been getting therapeutic, I noticed an odd little side effect...
I'm chewing the inside of my mouth. I don't mean a little, I mean a lot. Right now, my lips are actually swollen because of it. What the heck?? Being crazy wasn't quite enough? I have to do this, too? Really? And, tonight, I can feel a panic attack coming. I'll take something to ward it off, which will result in me being in a rotten mood tomorrow (consider yourself warned, coworkers) and not sleeping well.
So, to sum up, tomorrow I will be cranky, sleepy, swollen-mouthed and crazy. Wow, isn't this fun?!
Ugh.
Anyway, I'll call my doctor tomorrow and tell him despite the best efforts I could possibly make, I can't do the Zoloft. Then, we will go into a period of intense fighting with my insurance company. I can scarcely wait! Eventually, I will get permission from the insurance to go back on Lexapro. Again. Which I shouldn't have quit taking, because it worked. But, since it cost them extra money, hey... what's my discomfort? Nothing, to them!
I promise, when I am not all in pain, cranky and crazy, I will do a fun and/or funny blog. Soon, if I get my CRAZY pills back. LOL!!
Until then, just enjoy the mental image of me all poof-mouthed and pacing. I'm a Poofy-pacer! *snort*
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